On Having a ‘Dream’ Dick

This post is not, as the title might suggest, about an idealised dick, because what the fuck is that anyway? As we know, they come in all shapes, sizes and levels of hairiness. To all the people with dicks, I say this—no matter what it looks like, you have nothing to be ashamed about. Same goes for vaginas and all the other yummy noodly bits we have as humans living on this planet. All totally cool.

Sorry, I know…by saying all this I am excluding alien species like Martians or [insert generic Star Trek race here]. That’s pretty awful of me (winking face).

Side note: I hope you know where your genitalia are. Because apparently (and I was flabbergasted by this), quite a few people can’t. This IFL Science article says it all. Biology lessons couldn’t have been all that interesting for those people I suppose. Even if they were gaining practical experience out in the field instead of finishing their homework, I doubt they would have taken the time to label the parts of the reproductive system in the middle of a fuck session. Would they?

But I know you’re smart enough to know which things fit where. Hell, just experiment and see what happens. However, one thing I will say is that the vagina is not the ‘pee’ hole, it is in fact the ‘squirt’ hole!

Remember that and you’re halfway there.

Anyway, onto the actual point of this entry.

Last night, I had a dream that I had a penis. It’s happened to me loads of times before (in my dreams that is) and I’m sure genitalia-switching is a very common and recurring theme for many people. Now, I’m no Carl Jung, but as is the case with all the objects that pop up and events that occur in dreams, a penis is symbolic of some other non-sexual aspect of life.

After reading up (just a bit), it appears that having a penis in a dream points to a kind of ‘masculine’ energy (well, that checks out). Jerking off, which most definitely happened, suggests that I feel satisfied with what I’ve been doing recently and perhaps have let out more assertive energy than usual. I’m…not sure exactly how true that is, but what the hell, I’ll take it!

The actual events surrounding the realisation that I’d sprouted a penis are pretty hazy to say the least. But none of that really matters. I remember being in the house and feeling something heavy weighing me down a little. It wasn’t painful but it just had a sense of fullness about it. I was wearing a pair of jeans, as I usually tend to, and I realised they were somewhat large on me. The sensation was growing stronger, like butterflies in my stomach, or just really needing to piss.

I looked down at my crotch area. Turns out I was already tenting. Then, I started to feel the excitement rising again, knowing exactly what the deal was. I’d been in this position before, after all, only a few dreams ago. I recalled how satisfying it had felt the previous time, and the mere thought of it got me even harder.

Hmm. I wonder what my dick looks like this time?

I unbuttoned my jeans and pulled down the zip, shuffling my way out of them. Holy shit…That’s…not what I was expecting. I mean, I didn’t really know what to expect, but-I kind of like it. My new, albeit temporary, dick was pretty pleasing to these eyes. It was thin, and measured approximately seven inches, and it was so beautifully veiny. It pulsed harder with every fresh thought of touching it with my bare hands. I removed my jeans completely and banished them to the corner of the room. Now, I was just wearing a strappy top and nothing else. For one reason or another, during some previous undreamed point of the dream, I’d decided to go commando. Well, that suited me just fine. It saved the hassle of having to remove boxer shorts. No-one wants to do that when they’re passed out in REM sleep mode, dreaming they have a real flesh and blood dick, and when they’re rigid as hell.

Simply put, all I wanted to do at that moment was jerk off. Nothing fancy. No Tengas. No ‘onaholes’. None of that stuff. Just hands. You know, plain, unadulterated hands. That, and inconveniently, this dream didn’t have any toys laid out to begin with. Apparently my mind was too busy conjuring up the structure of this dick to fill in all the other details.

So there I was, standing half naked and admiring this specimen springing up before me (see reference picture below). I hate to sound vain and shallow, but all things considered, it was a pretty nice-looking dick. Although it was technically attached to me, it seemed like I was looking at someone else’s, but at the same time I could feel everything.

(Source: someone’s dick on ImageFap)


Truly surreal.

By this point, I was achingly erect. The tip jutted out proudly, strained with pink and glistening with delight. Alright, time to get stuck in.

Let’s do this! 

I grabbed the shaft with my left hand, and almost immediately recoiled, not realising how tender the skin still was. I suppose this will take some getting used to. It was so taut and a bit raw, so without proper lubrication it was uncomfortable to say the least. So, given the lack of props in this dream, I spat on my hands and tried again, more gently this time. I started with the tender head, circling the tips of my fingers around it. The pre-cum formed quicker that I imagined it would, and it felt amazing already. I closed my eyes and slowly but surely, slathered my spit-covered hand all over it, moving up and down in broad, sensual strokes.

As I flopped myself down onto the sofa, I felt my round and full balls smash against the material. Guh, that was an especially pleasant touch. I continued to pleasure myself, taking in all the smells in the room and sounds my hands were making. I applied more pressure to this ridiculously hard cock and really went for it.

Stroke, stroke, stroke.

Fuck, fuck, fuckkk!

That was a seriously good feeling. All the endorphins rushed straight to my brain like a thousand lightening bolts striking someone who didn’t make it to shelter in time. It was a hundred and ten percent electrifying, without any trace of exaggeration. Well, I mean it normally feels fantastic even without an engorged cock to contend with, but you know…this absolutely switched things up a notch. And if I wasn’t going to milk this thing dry, then it would be a wasted opportunity. That much I knew, even inside of a dream.

As the erection grew, so did my sense of determination to reach an orgasmic conclusion. Far from relief, that dick only seemed to be getting harder with every squeeze and tug I gave it. I could feel the way the blood pumped around it, throbbing so rhythmically,  so impatient to shoot that load forthright into the air. Ah. The upcoming scene was so easy to picture. In previous renditions of this dream, I don’t think I ever reached the point where I actually came. So this felt like it was going to be momentous. I panted and sweated as I work on getting off, aiming to wank myself into a cum-blivion (it’s a real thing).

Then, a kind of strange yet comforting warmth seized the pit of my stomach, and I felt that long-awaited double wave pleasure ripple right through me. That was it. I could feel the semen sloshing around in my balls. There was so much it didn’t even seem real. Well, it wasn’t, but at that moment it really could have been. I lay back on the sofa, preparing myself for the inevitable explosion. After all, I knew it would only take a few more pumps until-


I jerked the shaft up sharply and a fountain of cum spurted out furiously from the tip. In one way, it felt like I’d just ejected something toxic and unwanted from my body like a scene from one of David Cronenberg’s early films, but in another this was decidedly more pleasurable.

It was ephemeral and yet I would remember the feeling for a long time after. I looked down at my torso, gloriously soiled with cum that I’d produced, from myself with my own hands. I felt incredibly creative in those fleeting seconds, even though it’s not really such a miraculous thing to have achieved.

And to think that this is something that people with dicks do all the time. No, really. It’s a fact. All the fucking time. That’s why they literally require an extra pair of hands, so they can do the million and one other things that life demands of them, whilst also doing the most amazing thing ever…wanking. It’s a genius idea. Someone should really just go ahead and invent ‘wank hands’, stick it on Dragon’s Den. I’m almost certain that Peter Jones would back it.

This is his seal of approval face.

Image result for peter jones

That’s not how you thought I was going to end this post, was it? 🙂



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